•It's Time

I'm on the brink of a life changing decision. This new year holds so much promise and the excitement of what is to come. We are at the height of winter and when I would most expect sleepy hibernation of my dreams, I find the snow-capped landscape in the bright sunlight shine a new light a new direction. The school district for which I work has denied my request for a sabbatical- my safety net. When I devised this plan, I had committed to myself that if denied, I would retire. The time has come. It is time to show up and be who I have dared to dream I would be.

Yesterday, I sat in front of

the fire under a moon so full to just be with this decision. The early morning quiet always provides that space for serenity and reflection. I did my best to just be with this decision and my possible fears. In all honesty, for thirty years, I have loved what my vocation has been. I am a teacher. I have never had to go to work. I have been able to get up and go do what I love. It has taken me those thirty years to have earned my present salary. I think this may be the most significant fear I have –to walk away from what I have earned. But, I have also earned a loving and committed relationship. I am in love with a man who will support me financially, spiritually and emotionally. I have a beautiful space to live, in fact, I have two beautiful spaces to live. We will retreat to the lake house and give up the river house. Finally, I trust in the universe to bring an answer to my intentions. For the past six months, I have been saying I am done with the paperwork. I love my teaching and my students with a passion. However, I no longer want to spend my weekends writing reports. It is clear to me that if I work on the weekends or during my evening hours it has to be on something that makes a difference for my students– engaging lessons, reflective exercises–something that promotes their intellectual and soul growth. Under present circumstances, the job requires mountains of paper I can no longer produce.

If I listen to the stirrings of my soul, I recognize the universe is moving me towards the business of bliss. I have long held passions that I have all put on the back burner or extinguished. One day while chatting with Gerard, I said, "I don't have the hours to waste," when explaining why I don't play my guitar. I heard myself, I really heard myself. In my estimation, all my extra hours are to be dedicated to getting my reports done. Plain and simple–hogwash! I will now follow my heart, create a new career, most importantly create. I can still teach, but first I will become a student. Come a year from now, I will be enrolled in massage school in Costa Rica. From this moment until then, I will be about creating. I am in the process of creating the body I want to

inhabit. I have long been less than pleased that I can not move in all the ways I know I am capable. I will create strength, outer and inner. I will create music with words on a page as well as notes on a guitar. I will create the art from nature's remnants I find along my way. I will create the new chapters for my book of life.

~Winter ....is a time to gather golden moments, embark upon a sentimental journey, and enjoy every idle hour. ~John Boswell

•Snug Places to Dream

Living on one of the world's two largest fresh water lakes offers stunning winter vistas. Lake Superior stretches before me like an ocean. Sheets of lake ice collect along the beach like crystalline castles. No walking on water today. I am missing my off-leash space for the pup. The snow today is heavy and wet. However, temperatures are moderate and I am content to have Sitka determine where our two hour walk will lead. I have never enjoyed my time outside in the winter as much as I have this year–with the exception of the perfect day skiing. Snow shoes are on my wish list. I can only imagine winter becoming even more magical. I look forward to further exploration of breaking trails past frozen falls that stand still like opaque curtains. The silence is palpable. The crunch of my step in the frozen snow is the only sound that allows the world the knowledge of my existence.

We make our way home for hot tea and lunch. As the snow drifts and the world quiets, it seems right to settle in front of my fire and read the afternoon away. I towel off the dog. The fire starts at the strike of a match. I finish my exercise regimen with my yoga practice, then draw a hot bath. I will then pull the wing chair and foot rest closer to the fire, settle in to spin a web to collect future plans and dreams.

~With years a richer life begins. The spirit mellows. John Townsend Trowbridge

•Contemplating life on adrenaline

Over the next three days, life's schedule will be totally topsy turvey. I will be helping students move through their final semester exams. I hope they are prepared. I hope I am. Working through an exam for a learning disability student is a feat in itself. A student who may not be able to focus, will have one focus, get through the test and there will be five, maybe six of them. As a teacher, I will have to be prepared to assist students who can not focus, who need a lot of light and those who need low light, students who can not read the test items, and those who have visual perception issues and can not fill in the bubble sheets, another who's test anxiety will make her physically ill. We will have U.S. History, World History, Biology, Chemistry, English, Anatomy, Functions, Statistics and Trigonometry, Advanced Algebra exams all coming into the room at the same time. We will be lucky if the students' teachers have delivered the exams to the resource room and lucky if we will be able to honor the teacher's expectations around test security. I do find it humorous when I find myself wishing my students were centered, prepared and together enough to even contemplate "cheating". It will take everything they have to spend the two hours, and many will take more than the two hours to get through each test. I don't think anyone will ever convince me that this is the method to measure one's knowledge.

This system as a whole has drained me dry. It becomes more difficult to want to function at the super teacher level. I was a super teacher. I once did it all. I started at 4:30 am and ended at 10 pm. I started each day with going to the gym for 2 hours. I would arrive at work early. I assisted students with learning issues and how to overcome or side-step the problems. I created amazing lessons. I did all my federal paperwork and Individual Education Plan meetings with intention and meaning. I advise a group of students who want to change the world and once facilitated their amazing performance art. I connected with communities of color and looked for workshops and learning opportunities for my own growth, but it was at a price.

Teaching students different study strategies, organizational skills and post-secondary planning is my primary role and what is deemed even more important by the district, is the paperwork and parent meetings that say we will address the student needs on an individual basis. It has become impossible to prepare, plan and write these reports in a school day, so I have always taken that work home with me, hence the still working at 10 pm. It never felt like work. It does now. There is less time for creativity, the fun lessons and the discussions about life all have to wait because someone has to pass a test.

I can't do it anymore. At 6pm, I don't want to even think about school anymore. At nine o'clock, I am usually asleep. I use to play guitar and write and create art. I took yoga classes and kickboxing. I had friends. Over the years those joys and passions have had to wait until break, until summer, until I retire.

Recently, the price seems too high. When I come home these days, I want to be home. I no longer want to work until I drop. I don't want to work at all when I walk through the door. I want to watch Oprah, walk the dog for as long as I feel like it rather than scheduling 30 minutes so I can finish a report. I want to enjoy cooking a meal. I want to do an hour of yoga. I want to read a book!

I don't think I want to continue living life on adrenaline. I want to give more attention to things that matter. My students matter, but no one will convince me that that 12 page report that will be filed, possibly round filed, makes a difference. What makes a difference is problem solving with a student through a difficult night with a parent who had been drinking, teaching a test-taking strategy, demonstrating brain yoga, creating short hallway theater pieces around social justice issues. What matters now even more are my personal passions and a balance that includes them both-work and my life. All the hours, all the accomplishments, being patted on the back for a job well done (which we rarely are) won't make a difference if the adrenaline has me crash and burn.

It took me an entire summer to recover from last year's burnout. Halfway through this year, I recognize it is time to rekindle passions that are dimming. I do not have to let my fire go out. I know I do want to return in the fall. But I also know, I will also seek out a new direction. I will break away and focus on my a new social and spiritual path next year this time, body work training in the Nicoya Penninsula, Costa Rica.

For now, in the present, this very weekend, I will center myself in front of the fire, revel in the quiet of my house in Duluth, watch the snow softly fall, and read. I don't have to be super teacher for the next three days. What I really want is to burrow under the covers and stay in my jammies all day. This is where I find pleasure. This weekend I will seek out simple pleasures. I can walk Sitka as long as I like on the edge of the St. Louis River. I can stop for a hot chocolate in any number of coffee shops along the way home. I can make a cup of tea while watching ships pass in the night. I look around me to see a life full of beauty and grace. From this place of serenity, I quietly ready myself for the next semester... no adrenaline needed.

•A moment's repose

A cup of tea in hand and an afternoon of solitude allows time for daydreaming and relaxing. There is no set agenda; however, the day unfolds perfectly. Sleeping until daylight set the stage for perfection. I grabbed a yogurt and started the coffee. I rolled out the yoga mat and completed my thirty minute routine. Gerard headed out the door for a meeting. I cleaned house and started laundry. I was then left with the remainder of the day to do as I pleased. Sitka and I set out for a walk on the ice. There's magic in being able to walk on water. An hour trek could then be traded for an afternoon of idle contemplation. I always settle into my favorite spots in the house, but I needed to break the routine. I pull the rocker into the wide berth of sun streaming into the living room and gaze out on to the snow covered river. The hours ahead have so much potential, but I choose to sit still and revel in the warmth of the sunlight and allow for ideas and inspiration to take wing.

It feels natural to retreat from the frantic pace of a work week. I dream of about days in retirement and the freedom to just be. When nothing in particular has to be done and all the time in the world to do it. It's not always easy for me to leave guilt out of an idle equation. I often need a prescription for sitting still. I often need permission to get lost in a book or work on my driftwood creations. The demands of Monday through Friday can easily convince me to turn over my weekend hours. As the sun dips below the ridge on the other side of the river, I revel in the gift of peace and quiet.

As the evening approaches I contemplate a delectable creation that will warm the house and and be so fragrant it will arouse a sleeping husband from a long winter's nap. I will light the candles and start the fire and then retire to the pages of that new book, guilt free.

•Through time and space...

I am a traveler in time and space. There is more to do and see than there is a lifetime to do it in. I guess I will be around a few more times on this earthly plane. Passion is the foundation in my life... a passion to travel is probably the strongest. I have a passion for finding beauty in what others think is ordinary or simply mundane. I find the joy of now... the strawberries barely visible in the grass, the gargoyles atop an otherwise nondescript apartment building, the way the air smells like Spain after a rain. The world applauds the big, the noisy, the obvious. I value the small, the quiet and the subtle. I do my best not take a minute for granted. I have found a person who also finds joy in simple things and can share some of my passions. He at times will join me and wander ... sometimes its as simple as calling out roadtrip, but next year I will venture off to Costa Rica on a solitary mission to learn body work. What a life! I walk the beach daily (I really do have a beach!), lift weights and kickbox. I strap on the rollerblades, from time to time or head up the shore to explore the rivers. Teaching high school has allowed me to be an advisor to an amazing group of kids called STAR/SPAA. I travel home on weekends when I can to ski and sit in front of the fire. I am not a hunting, fishing, camping gal...did a bit too much of it and now roughing it is a bed and breakfast. I believe I live a charmed life. I have the courage to believe in myself and my dreams. Often people set their goals on the big picture, but my joy comes from the details. someone once said, "God is in the detail." so are most of the pleasures in life.

•In the quiet of the Morning

The quiet of the morning includes only the crackle of the fire and the occasional yawn from the dog. I can now only hear my labored breathing; it is the second time I have succumbed to the flu this season. I always think being under the weather is the way of the universe to stop me in my tracks. Was I really moving all that fast? Winter has been kept at bay with 50 degree temperatures all through November. However, December was as it should be and the new year has us in a deep freeze. We are covered with a blanket of snow and it's well below zero outside.

I do love the start of winter. Getting up early, when it’s still very dark out. I start the fire and the coffee. I open my laptop. I don’t turn on any lights and write in the dark, sleepy and cold, a blanket or two across my lap.

This tumultuous year has closed its chapter. Day is breaking and the first morning light bathes the river scape out my window in blue. The silence is broken by the trumpeting of a bevy of swan landing in the open water by the dam. I am the only witness to their beauty the cats and the dog don’t even twitch an ear.

(Photo by my friend Greg Granger. Check out his photography on facebook)

I feel blessed and I am in the deepest gratitude as a new chapter begins for our family.

My son, Chaz's, ordeal is over. The consequences are manageable. He has his job with hours that mess with his body clock, but for now he can work at getting on his feet again. It may be a long road until he is financially free, but his head and heart are in the right place. He is one year sober now, an enormous accomplishment. He is contemplating writing about all that has happened. There is a lot youth can learn from Chaz’s story. He is joyous about being home with Halyn again.

It is a joy watching him be a dad. He is willing to do some work on what it means to be in a relationship. My hope and dream is Chaz can learn from his parents’ mistakes.

Gerard has graduated from school. He is a certified jeweler and is open for business. Agefiozu (pronounced: a je fee o zu) Mind and Body Ware is his company name. He has spent this fall setting up his workshop. I am not sure what sugarplums are spinning in his head, but I have seen his school projects and I love being the model. He can repair your

jewelry and work on fashioning a new design with your old jewels if you wish. I think most importantly, Gerard has been our greatest jewel, our Knight in shining armor. He has been the backbone of this family, our steady eddy. Through this crisis, Chaz an

d I have been able to turn to him for support in every. We are blessed beyond measure.

Erin and Kyle have had an incredibly productive year. They have just moved into a garage… albeit a beautiful garage with knotty pine paneling through out. They built the garage themselves, literally made their own paneling(yep, split the wood from the trees on Kyle's grandpa's land!) and put in their own septic system. I can only imagine what they will do when they start on the house they will build. Through all the construction, Erin was working on her Masters in business administration and just finished. Yes, she has her MBA and with the slow down in the economy her job was iffy, but now there is a turn around for the steel industry and her job as an engineer in the mine is secure.

Halyn is a year old. I can barely

believe it. It has been a blink i

n time. She started walking on her birthday. She loves me to carry her around as she points to everything saying, “was zat?” She is in 7th heaven when I have this computer out and she can type a letter. She is getting her own laptop from me for xmas.

Halyn’s mama is spending more and more time with us. I couldn’t be more proud of the wonderful mother Britta is. Britta’s days are full with school. She is in a nursing program. Chaz and Britta are learning how bury the past and show up to be the best they can be for Halyn.

We have two new members in our family. We adopted a Samoyed/Shepard named Sitka and kitten that Chaz named Moscow. Moscow is Halyn's kitty. He is sweet and patient with Halyn and will play with her no matter how hard she tugs. Sitka has turned out to be a

wonderful companion and he has both Gerard and me off our butts and walking regularly.

As winter descends, we are finding that Sitka is really good with being off-leash and he can go out on his own and com

es right back. I still get out and take him for our official walks. I found out that our three-year old cat Kole is an actual breed: a Norwegian Forest cat. I am new fan of Animal Planet. Britta calls her a fancy barn cat. A barn is where she was born and we saved her from the dog (who is actually a wolf) at that residence. The animals bring a special kind of warmth

to northern winters. Moscow is being a foot warmer as I type.

As for me, well life’s

lessons are being learned. Although, I inherited a worry gene, I am learning to change that biology. Every year, I tell you through my letters that living in the moment is life’s greatest lesson and so it has been again this year. My present this year is being present. If I spend most of my time thinking about the past or future, I am missing life itself. It’s passing me by while I’m elsewhere. I can’t get the most out of life unless I learn to focus on being present, while things are happening. Thinking about all that’s happened, or what might happen or not happen next is useless if my kids’ lives are passing by with me being lost in worry.

I find that I enjoy life more if I’m present rather than having my mind elsewhere. Food tastes better, I have more fun with my family, even work becomes more enjoyable. Worrying about the past and future gives you stress. But being present is almost like meditation. There are no worries. There is just experiencing. I find that focusing on what I’m doing, rather than trying to multitask or multi-think a million different things at once, I actually complete what I’m doing, do a better job on it, and get it done faster. I don’t necessarily do more, but I get things done. It’s the magic of flow. I, basically, am learning to lose myself in whatever I’m doing. It’s a wonderfully productive zone to be in, and a state that also, incidentally, makes me happier.

Last year’s holiday season was fraught with crisis. This year, I am present to the warmth of family and making homespun gifts from the heart. There is no money this year. Our ordeal has left the accounts bone dry. First time I have been in debt in years. Yet, I live in extraordinary abundance... two homes with extraordinary views, a son who is safe and healing, a G-baby who is off and running, a daughter who is married and happy, a husband who stands at my side no matter what. I think I am enjoying the season more than I have in years. We are all together. We are safe and most importantly, we are happy.

“The living moment is everything.” - D.H. Lawrence

Wishing for you all things warm and wonderful in this new year.

~Catherine and Crew

•Resolute

Another year and this time another dollar. I have put a contract out on myself. I joined StickK. I am resolute in becoming the best me I can possibly be. Each year passes and I never quite make the dream of me, in this physicality, a reality. Who I am inside, is a contrast to how I am physically made up. My desire is to have the two images match. I am happy and content and fit and graceful and full of energy and creativity and loving and giving.... on the inside.

The physical reality is that I am carrying 30 pounds of extra weight(at least) and I am feeling my age 52 years and 10 months, when I move. I don't always feel good in my clothes and age and gravity are wreaking havoc on my body. I am coming close to the end of my teaching career. I see myself enjoying and making the most of time. I am looking forward to letting go of the "have to" and reveling in just being; when moving my body is a way of life rather than something I have to squeeze in between report writing and all the other commitments of the work-a-day world. I have committed all my time and energy to the demands of being a learning disabilities teacher for thirty years. Over the past year, the energy is shifting and I am shifting my focus. It isn't easy to let go of all that I have been in this role. Sometimes, I feel there is more that I need to do with the kids, for the kids. However, the paperwork has killed my passion for going in every day and in my heart of hearts, I know it is time to let go.

This winter break has been about radical rest. I am waking when my body says to wake and moving throughout the day doing what I am inspired to do. This morning is a perfect example. The mercury reads -18. I made the coffee and carried in three bags of wood. I started the fire and watched the sun make its way above the clouds blanketing the lake. Reading has been the order of the morning along with contemplation about how I will hold myself accountable to achieve my heart's desire. The contract and this blog are my foray into this new year. I am basking in the sun that streams into the living room. This will be the warmest place to be for the day. I can return to this space and rebuild the fire after hiking with Sitka. This is my choice. My commitment to me~ I will move my body six days a week and my body will shed one pound per week. If I do not make my commitment, five dollars will be given to charity every week. I can do this... all of this....my resolve is unwaivering. This year it is my choice.